|the story about money
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|Autor:||magda17 [ 2008-04-21, 19:10 ]|
|Tytuł:||the story about money|
popełniam mnóstwo głupich błedów wiec prosze o poprawienie tekstu:) z góry dziękuje!!!=)
It happened in New York a year ago. Mark Sullivan was one of the most hard-working people. But he wasn't a man of fortune. He was quite average. He had a wife and his life was pretty happy.
But one day he won a whopping $150 million in a lotery. For a man who didn't start out with much, the experience was a bit overwhelming. He celebrated his good fortune, but he had no way of knowing that he was embarking on a journey that would lead to tragedy and the loss of everything he held dear. For first he decided to live in the lap of luxury. He spent some money improving his new house.
His 18 year old daughter warned him not to become a scrooge. But he didn't care about that. He made a new relationships, so he had a lot of friends. Besides that he set up the charitable corporation but he have never admitted to it. Over the time he stated changing his spots. Making his big time he forgot about his family.
Unfortunately his daughter had an accident. Mark began drinking heavily to console himself. At night, he made the rounds of the local bars throwing money around everywhere he went. Only his wife was standing beside him, believing he could change for the better. He needed some months to realize how stupid he was. His daughter was recovering and he regreted his temporary insanity in making a career. The rest of his money he tore up and left in the park near the school. During he had been ripping the money he repeated: "everyone makes their own fate"
|Autor:||wixer [ 2008-04-24, 22:42 ]|
I 'll tell you some subtle changes I would make to this, but I must say it's very good.
1. Lottery not lotery
2 But first he decided to live in the lap of luxury and spent some money improving his house
3. He made new relationships.
4.he set up a charitable organisation but he never admitted to it
5 Over time he began to change. ( I've only ever heard changing spots in the expression " a leopard never changes it's spots" it doesn't sound right the way you have used it
6. Making the big time
7. Only his wife stood beside him
8. It took some months for him to realise how stupid he had been
9. he regretted the temporary insanity of what he had done
10. while he had been ripping up the money.
Ten suggestions which I believe will improve your work
I hope you find them useful
|Autor:||magda17 [ 2008-04-25, 21:14 ]|
Thank you very much for help. I'm really graceful:)
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